Ar-guileless
Dumpster Divers will attest that there are treasures among trash. In truth, movie criticism and dumpster diving have a lot in common. We wade through mountains of detritus in search of anything valuable. I’ve found some gems amidst the junk, and bringing them to you is among my greatest joys.
Argylle, the latest film from the “twisted mind” of Matthew Vaughn, is the type of tepid trash that makes one question why we even bother making movies. Warding against this cinematic swill is among my most solemn responsibilities.
This woefully unoriginal spy story isn’t the worst film ever made. For less discerning viewers looking to “turn off their brain,” this trite spy romp, ripped from the most forgettable dime novels, may seem benign. However, its banality belies a more insidious type of terrible.
Argylle isn’t just a mindless movie; it’s more akin to a cinematic lobotomy. It’s a movie so insubstantial and poorly plotted that it actively punishes critical thought. Cognition only leads to frustration. Nothing lies below the surface.
Cinematic lobotomies like Argylle occur annually. January and February are the studio’s dumping grounds for weaker movies. I’ve become accustomed to these annual assaults on taste and intellect. Contending with these dumpster fires is like a yearly physical, eye exam, or colonoscopy.
It’s a treacherous time of year for moviegoers. You brave the cold to see a silly spy movie only to endure the agony of the ‘Icepick of Idiocy’ recklessly jabbing at your frontal lobe.
I enjoy wading through trash on your behalf, my dear film freak. There is a bevy of trashy treasures that don’t feel like barbaric attempts to sever your capacity for thought.
A “good bad movie,” also known as schlock, boggles the brain instead of numbing it. Schlock’s inept creative choices inspire a sense of wonder as the movie chugs along like a delirious Rube Goldberg machine.
The best trash has a screw loose, misfiring in unexpected directions and failing in unhinged ways, sometimes bordering on incomprehensible. Its constant failures beg the question, “How did this happen?” Such are the campy, schlocky delights of treasured trash.
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Argylle, by contrast, repeatedly begs the question, “Why are we doing this?” It comes off a sanitized conveyor belt, utterly devoid of novelty.
To recoup a budget exceeding 200 million dollars, Argylle’s antics are confined to a PG-13 rating, designed to appeal to the broadest possible moviegoing demographic. As a result, “The Twisted Mind of Matthew Vaughn” has never been more straightforward and bland. The industry's financial imperatives smother any potential zaniness.
Fans of Vaughn’s brash sensibilities, as displayed in Kick-Ass and the Kingsman trilogy, will find Argylle is devoid of any edge.
Viewers looking for unchallenging, unoriginal, unprovocative movies may consider Argylle serviceable. After all, it is technically a movie that you can watch with your eyes for 139 minutes. For some, that’s all a movie needs to be.
I think you deserve better.
Until next week, film freaks.