Unsubscribing from the Fabric of Space and Time
Acquired Tastes' Updated Terms of Service
“Time is a flat circle.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher and flat-earther.
After performing a robust internal review, the Acquired Tastes Team1 has determined that, moving forward, we will be unsubscribing from traditional notions of space-time.
We understand the alarm and uncertainty that can arise whenever someone in your life claims to be “unsubscribing from traditional notions of space-time.” Unhinged disavowals of foundational concepts of existence, such as time and space, are typically gloomy portents of psychosis.
Rest assured, this decision is not the result of a mental break.2 Instead, we are issuing these updated terms of service after a thorough accounting of our team’s continually evolving responsibilities and enduring commitment to producing high-quality work.
We at Acquired Tastes consider our updated stance regarding the fabric of space-time to be an expression of our collective taste (or, in this case, distaste) for time measurement. In particular, Acquired Tastes wishes to sever ties with the seven-day unit of measurement known herein as “the workweek.”
In 1981, a brilliant theorist named Loverboy bravely identified the issue at the core of the societal construct known as the “work week,” that being, “everybody’s working for the weekend.”
This revelation problematizes the hegemonic model of seven successive, recurring days — Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, always in that order.
It exposes an untenable reality: five of seven days (i.e., Monday through Friday) are spent working toiling away for the relative freedom that the weekends (i.e., Saturday and Sunday) afford.
We at Acquired Tastes3 believe the dominant paradigm of “the work week” is not conducive to a healthy work-life balance. This is further compounded by the fact that, regrettably, Acquired Tastes does not provide our team income commensurate with “gainful employment.”
Upon review, our team has expressed a strong collective desire to maintain access to food, shelter, and healthcare. To that end, we have agreed to submit to the “capitalist imperative of survival.” While we lament this capitulation, our internal review was unable to produce a viable alternative.
On a less practical note, we take umbrage with the repetitive and monotonous nature of “the workweek paradigm.” The day which follows Wednesday shall always be called “Thursday?” We call bullshit.4 Who’s gonna tell us otherwise? Who has the authority to do so?
At Acquired Tastes, we believe the answer is no one except an authoritarian regime whose legitimacy Acquired Tastes Team will never accept.5
For the sake of our reader’s sanity, we begrudgingly agree to abide by the standard naming conventions of successive days for functional purposes.6
Our robust internal review has affirmed our writing team's strong desire to publish without strict adherence to a recurring seven-day publication schedule. Operating outside the tyrannical regime of “the workweek” will allow our team more creative freedom to produce work of the highest quality on a regular but undefined basis. We intend to continue publishing approximately once a week, but we recommend you don’t hold your breath.7
In addition to providing our writers more freedom, we also believe that a less consistent publication schedule will improve Film Freak’s user experience. Instead of a newsletter arriving every “Sunday,” it could arrive at any time, adding more unpredictability and instability to your life.8
Acquired Tastes is honored to have been a Sunday staple in your life over the past twenty months. On behalf of the entire team, I would like to thank you for your understanding and flexibility. The future of Acquired Tastes remains bright, albeit nebulously defined!
See you in the very near future, my fellow film freaks.
It’s just me.
Rest assured, our team is exhibiting levels of instability within their normal range.
I, Skylar Singer.
To call every seventh day by the same name erases the uniqueness of each day. What you call “Thursday,” I might call “Horatio,” or “Gordon,” or maybe even “Jennifer.”
As an AMERICAN publication, Acquired Tastes values FREEDOM above all else.
However, the Acquired Tastes team reserves the right to substitute any name for any day at any time, be that a name typically assigned to a living creature (e.g., Craig) or any other assemblage of words or sounds, with or without intrinsic meaning (e.g., Zorp).
Scientific studies have established a strong correlation between not breathing and death.
You’re welcome!
Traditionally, we the human species call the fourth day of the workweek "Thursday." All in favor changing the name "Thursday" to "Zorp?" That would 7 ayes, and 6 nays. The Ayes have it.
Glad to have stumbled across your publication this Sunday! I really enjoyed your Apprentice review and think your writing style is incredibly engaging. I also wrote about that film not too long ago and loved seeing your approach. Excited to subscribe to Acquired Tastes!