Movies Have Become a Madhouse
Dispatches from Theater 666 & Six Pro Tips to Avoid Being a Degenerate.
No Higher Power Will Save Us
“All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.”
-The Joker in Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore
This weekend my local AMC screened Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy. One of my friends had never seen a Batman movie. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to experience Nolan’s paradigm-shifting films as they were intended to be seen. We purchased tickets to see Batman Begins and The Dark Knight back-to-back.
I planned to write about the financial viability of re-releasing popular films to fill theaters, particularly during the lulls of the big studio’s annual release cycle.
Unfortunately, Batman Begins was an unbearable viewing experience. We are losing the war against movie theater degeneracy. So here we are, talking about theater etiquette again.
I was directed to Theater One but, in actuality, it was Theater 666: a hellscape where zoomers use their phones throughout the entire film and TikToks play at full volume. Audience behavior was untenable so we canceled our tickets to see The Dark Knight, opting to screen it at home, far from the maddening crowd.
I feel more pessimistic about the viability of movie theaters than ever before.
Question: Why do you go to the movies?
Answer: to see the movie. That’s the only real answer.
If you’re buying a ticket for any other reason, I implore you to consider staying home.
Nothing is Sacred to Gen-Z
A few weeks ago, in a post titled “The Cinema is Sacred,” I wrote:
“I do believe that there is value in the theatrical experience. Like religious worship, frequency, and devotion are bound to vary from person to person. I am a cinematic fanatic, arguably a zealot. However, I try my best to avoid evangelizing on the topic.
The movie theater is sacred to me, but it is not my place to assert control over others. Every viewer has a right to worship at the altar of cinema in their own way. A theater is, after all, a public space. I am not its keeper. I have no right, nor the desire, to police it.
There is, however, a social contract that moviegoers tacitly agree to: “Don’t text. Don’t talk. Don’t ruin the movie.”
This basic social contract has always preserved the sanctity of the cinema. There have always been transgressors. People talk, text, or a phone might ring.
However, my fellow Zoomers display a dickish disregard towards basic etiquette that boggles the mind and directly undermines the function of theatrical screening.
PRO TIP #1
IF YOU PLAN TO WATCH TIKTOK WHILE A MOVIE PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND, YOU NEED TO STAY FAR AWAY FROM PUBLIC MOVIE THEATERS.
FAILURE TO DO SO MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.
In a few short weeks, I have become radicalized. I don’t like that. I have no desire to police the behavior of others. I just want to watch the movie that I paid to see. I only speak up if other’s behavior actively inhibits my ability to watch the movie.
I wanna talk briefly about two fellow film-goers. Tell me if this is histrionic whining on my part.
The Girl Who Couldn’t Stop Consuming Content
She arrived late with three friends. I do not begrudge them this. Who among us hasn’t arrived after the movie began?
PRO TIP #2
IF YOUR THEATER SELLS ASSIGNED SEATS, SIT IN YOUR ASSIGNED SEAT.
FAILURE TO DO SO CAUSES A CHAIN REACTION OF DISPLACEMENT AND CONFRONTATION.
They adhered to this rule. To locate their seats, they turned on their phone’s flashlight. Don’t do this. It is dingus behavior.
PRO TIP #3
DO NOT TURN ON YOUR FLASHLIGHT IN A DARK ROOM. ASSESS CONTEXT CLUES (e.g. all the lights are off, a movie is playing, etc.) AND ADAPT YOUR STRATEGY.
HINT: YOUR PHONE SCREEN LIGHTS UP. USE THE LIGHT OF YOUR PHONE, NOT YOUR PHONE’S FLASHLIGHT, TO FIND YOUR SEAT NUMBER.
They sat in the row in front of me. Her three friends watched the movie. She couldn’t be bothered. Instead, with her phone’s brightness turned up, she rapidly switched between social media apps: scrolling TikTok and viewing Instagram stories at light speed— too fast to actually note the content of the posts. I think she enjoyed the tapping and the changing colors.
PRO TIP #4
IF YOU MUST USE YOUR PHONE, TURN YOUR BRIGHTNESS ALL THE WAY DOWN.
PLACE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR LAP. USE IT FURTIVELY, AS IF YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE USING IT…
BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE USING IT IN A MOVIE THEATER.
An important part of the theatrical experience is sensory deprivation. The theater is dark so the audience’s sole focus is on the movie screen.
In case anyone needs an explanation as to why we don’t use phones in movie theaters: when someone pulls out their phone, your eye is automatically drawn to the intrusive light source in your peripheral vision. It’s reflexive.
Furthermore, everyone can see what you're doing. When the girl in front of me opened LinkedIn during the movie, something in my brain short-circuited. She proceeded to open and attempt to read a dense Word document on her phone.
PRO TIP #5
IF YOU NEED TO COMPLETE WORK, DO NOT WORK ON IT IN A MOVIE THEATER.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ATTEMPT THIS?
YOU’RE BUSY. STAY HOME.
I asked the strangers to our right if they were bothered by the phone usage in the row in front of us. They weren’t, from their seat the girl’s head blocked the light of her phone.
Since it seemed like my friend and I were the only ones bothered, I never spoke up. However, after the film ended, my friend politely informed her that it was rude to be on her phone for the entire movie.
These are the sort of friends I keep, and I am so proud of that fact.
I deeply resented her behavior, but she wasn’t the worst offender in Theater 666.
Two Dickwads Play TikToks on Full Volume
Now this blew my goddamn mind.
As the film began, “Umbrella” by Rihanna played for a few seconds before he swiped up. A new TikTok began. The audio was mostly incomprehensible but entirely audible and unsustainably obtrusive.
This persisted for ten minutes. I hoped that a few sustained, pointed glares in their direction would spur self-regulatory behavior. It did not. They continued to watch TikTok, without headphones, in a movie theater.
“Surely this is hell,” I thought. My sanity was sustained when I made eye contact with the stranger on my left. “Is this insane?” I asked.
He nodded, swiftly stood, and went to say something to them. When he returned I asked, “Were they amenable?”
A slight nod. “They’re kids,” he said with a shrug, “what do you expect?”
(Unspoken answer: I expect that they don’t watch TikToks without headphones in a movie theater. At least The Girl Who Couldn’t Stop Consuming Content brought headphones.)
PRO TIP #6
IF SOMEONE POLITELY APPROACHES YOU ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR IN A THEATER, HEED THEIR WORDS.
FAILURE TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN PUBLIC SHAMING.
As the movie continued, so too did the TikToks. They had slightly turned down the volume. This half-measure left me unsatisfied. I would not ‘split the baby’ with them. I do not negotiate with terrorists.
I waited until a quiet moment in the film when their TikToks were clearly audible.
I turned their direction and said, quite loudly, “Are you watching TikToks? Don’t watch TikToks in a movie theater.”
“Relax, it’s not TikTok,” one of them responded, “It was just one song.”
Oh, what a fool I was! I had forgotten that audience members are encouraged to play one (1) song of their choosing aloud, at any point during the movie.
It was an imbecilic response. It was quite clearly TikToks but, obviously, it didn’t matter.
“Respectfully, it’s been going on for a while,” I responded, “Would you mind turning down the volume so that we can focus on the movie? Thanks.” In a sane world, that would’ve been the end of that.
The joke’s on me, the scolded adolescents had another bulletproof counterpoint ready.
“You’re the one talking so—”
I cut them off, an assertiveness that I don’t typically exhibit.
“I’m not here to argue with you,” I said firmly. The unspoken second half of my reply: I’m here to watch the fucking movie.
They continued to watch TikToks on mute, for a while anyway. Sometime in the third act, they resumed watching with audible volume, but low enough to ignore.
I am not the theater’s keeper. I said my piece and that’s really all I can do. I’m not going to tattle to an AMC employee making minimum wage. It’s not their job to babysit you. Nor is it mine. I am not the savior of movie theaters. I’m just one pissed-off cinephile.
What can be done?
Maybe I’m alone in my strife. Maybe my expectations for considerate behavior are too lofty, though I truly don’t think so.
Maybe it’s too late. Maybe movie theaters cannot survive in a world where focusing on a movie for two hours is a herculean effort.
The behavioral guidelines of movie theaters are not rules that are strictly enforced. Rather, they are norms that have arisen to reflect our collective values. Clearly, these norms have eroded.
If you care about those norms, be prepared to speak up when they’re violated. It’s an uncomfortable thing to do. I certainly hate doing it. I don’t want to do it, but I will until I can’t any longer. I have my limits.
“You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain…”
-Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight
I left the screening of Batman Begins in a dark mood. I had lost the day’s battle. I couldn’t go back for the next film. I couldn’t stand the prospect of dealing with the same chucklefucks for another 150 minutes.
I worried it would become my supervillain origin story.
EQUALLY DISRESPECTFUL ALTERNATIVE ACTIVITIES FOR IDIOTS INCAPABLE OF BEING RESPECTFUL AT THE MOVIES:
1.Spit on someone’s grave.
2.Take a dump in the lanes of your local bowling alley or mini-golf course.
3.Chainsmoke in your local hospital’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU)
Don’t go to the movies if you aren’t interested in watching the movie. Do literally anything else.
Subscribe to Acquired Tastes to receive weekly newsletters about film as I continue to lose my fucking mind:
PLEASE share this with your friend who doesn’t know how to act in a theater:
Godspeed, film freaks. See you next week.
I feel your pain. This is why so many people don't want to go to the movies these days--because idiots like this either don't care that they're ruining the experience or they just can't stop themselves. Is it that they have no attention span? That they have never been taught manners? That they see the movies as no different than any other public space where they live on their phones? I take your point that there's no point in tattling to the low-paid theater staff, but what else can we do? Embarrassing them with a direct comment doesn't seem to have any effect--otherwise they wouldn't do it in the first place. I guess my only solace is that I typically attend movies at theaters that appeal to older crowds, like the Kendall Square theater.
This brought me great joy Skylar. I also sympathize, as I am a teacher of these phone addicted zoomers. The great battle of our time may just be figuring out how to escape aldous huxley's digital world we find ourselves in.